When it Hurts so Bad

I struggled with whether or not to post anything here. About the massive blow the black community and parents of brown boys received this week.

The BLOW makes it impossible to let this place, my corner of the internet, go unmarked. For the event to go unrecognized.

You all know me. We may not have met in person. Our virtual relationship might be seen as impersonal, unimportant to some. But, for me, it is enough to grant you a different perspective on the pain and grief and immense sadness and ANGER many of us feel.

Because you know me.

Because you’ve read about my children.

My sweet boys and girls.

You know how much I love them.

How special and wonderful they are.

My precious children who I am powerless to protect from this world.

This world that sees them as a threat. This world that fears them.

I am that slain child’s mother.

I. AM.

Because I have two sons who will grow into tall, strapping young men. I have two sons who smile and wave at police officers at ages 6 & 7. The police smile and wave back. The same police who will “fear” them in 10 years. Whose very size and gregariousness and propensity to question, to ask why will make them targets.

I have two sons who can make a subway car full of strangers smile. The same subway car full of strangers who will “fear” them in 10 years. Who will makes faces at the loud brown kids. Who won’t want them in their space.

Can you imagine how frightening that is?

And how hurtful it is?

To know that my boys and girls will be judged for things they haven’t done.

I cannot even put it into words.

There are no words to explain to you how I feel.

Or how many tears I’ve shed.

Over this boy. And so many like him.

So many men that could have been my father, my husband, my uncles, my cousins.

I could not possibly put it into words.

I could not possibly make you understand.

But, if I don’t talk about it. If we all stay silent, what chance is there for change?

If I don’t feel hopeful,

if I don’t cry and get it out,

if I don’t love my boys and my girls and the brown boys and brown girls of the world,

I will lose myself and my sensitivity and my humanity.