Worrier or Warrior

I am the former trying to convert to the latter.

Worrying, it seems, is embedded in my DNA. I’m not sure I can escape it.

My grandma’s service is tomorrow. I’d like to crawl under the covers and hide. But I can’t. I’m worried about it. Like mad. But how does that change anything? It doesn’t. I’m well past the hiding from monsters under my blanket days. Even if that’s exactly what I want to do.

My oldest son, the sensitive one (well, the most anyway as they all are), took the news of her passing particularly hard. As I knew he would. I put the discussion off longer than I should have because starting that conversation just seemed too hard. Having it was worse than starting it.

I HATE those helpless parent moments. When I can’t offer a good explanation or kiss the boo boo and make it better.

I’ve felt wretched off and on for the whole week, really. On edge. And a bit (or a lot) snappy. I have that anxious, skin crawly feeling I get when I need a long walk, or to get lost in a book, or zone out at the thrift store, or sew all night. I don’t know.

Right now, I need to finish my quiz and get us ready for tomorrow. Whether I want to or not. And I really, really don’t want to.


8 thoughts on “Worrier or Warrior

  1. Wishing you a tsunami wave of love, that simply arrives, without any effort on your part! Overwhelms you! and in the midst of THAT, you find courage!


    PS You’re a good mom!

  2. Its been over a year and I still find my son crying over his Grandma (my mother) late at night sometimes. Its so hard because it makes me want to cry too and all I can do is hold him and rock him and cry on the inside.

    Don’t be afraid to grieve. For some reason our society has a hard time with it and showing it, but we need it emotionally. Even now I’ll end up pausing in the middle of some action or sentence and my eyes will well up. If my husband is around he just holds me until I’m done because there’s nothing else TO DO.

    I think the most succinct thing I’ve heard about grief for a loved one came from “The Walking Dead” season 2 “It doesn’t go away, you just have to make room for it”.

    All that said, I’m so sorry for your loss.

    • Thanks so much for this. I haven’t let myself cry too much, because I feel like if I start I’ll never stop. As hard as it is to deal with the sadness, and the sadness of my children, I’m so glad I had so much time with her and that they got to know her and make their own memories.


  3. I, too, am a worrier and I’ve tried (and still trying) not to worry so much. I think my problem now is that if I feel as if I don’t worry, it would seem as if I don’t care. I know that’s not true, but I can’t help it.

    I have a lot going on with me and I’m constantly told that you can either pray or worry and it’s only beneficial to do one. The obvious one.

    Stay strong and may God bless you and your family!

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