October Song

October is significant to me because it is the month of my birth.

And now it’s the month that I lost my grandma who took her last breaths yesterday.

I will remember her every time:

I fry chicken.
I once asked her why she fried SO MUCH chicken all the time. She, just a few weeks ago, laughed at me for lamenting my short order chicken fry specialist status.

I knit, crochet or sew a stitch.
My crafty genes came from her. I know that she found true delight in my ability to make things with my hands. Just as she did.

When I see a truly stupid commercial.
She had a special hatred for what she called foolishness on TV, today.

When I have to tell a story.
She was a GREAT gossipy storyteller.

When I make up silly words.
She had a personal vocab of made up words that were truly inspired.

When motherhood gets hard.
She told me that she was proud of the kind of parent I became. And that she respected that I did what I had to do for my children without complaint. I hope to continue making her proud.

When I take time for myself.
She never got the chance to just be. She took over raising me and my sister when she was done with parenting small people and she kept taking care of other people right up until the end.

When I wear her jewelry.
I already felt her presence when I donned her bracelets and necklaces. I’m sure I’ll feel her even more, now.

When I look in the mirror.
I might look like my father, but I have her eyes.

When I write my name.
Her first is my middle one.

When I take a breath.
Because we’re all here because we came from her.

I will think of you constantly, grandma. I will remember more things than I can list here.

I love and I miss you already.

Your condolences and good thoughts really mean a lot to me. It is so comforting to know that you had my back.



50 thoughts on “October Song

  1. My (adopted) daughter turned 5 today and has spent much of the day lamenting that I can’t bring her grandmother back to life like she’d requested. I’ve been giving her a list much like this one of the ways she’s like that stubborn, demanding, intensely loving woman, and this has inspired me to write it down and help her keep it part of her story that she builds on as she grows.

  2. Oh, I am so sorry to read this. I know how hard this is, having lost all 4 of my grandparents and being extremely close to them all, but I have no doubt you will continue to make your grandmother proud. Sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way. xo

  3. *hug* People we love and who influence our lives for the better are never, never, never gone from us. You wrote so well about that. It sounds like she was an incredible woman who left an enviable and formidable legacy in your life, and that should be celebrated. *hug hug hug*

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family; I know how hard the grieving process can be since losing my mom last year. It is wonderful that you have so many touchstones to remember your grandmother.

  5. Oh love, I’m so sorry. Losing people you love is just about the worst thing there is…. But I’m happy that you have so many wonderful memories to get you through. BIG hugs.

  6. This post brought tears to my eyes. This is the exact list I made when I lost my Grandma a few years back. Your wonderful memories are truly something to cherish. All my love to you and yours.

  7. I was thinking of you yesterday and wondering if there had been any change. Now we hear the bad news. I have a hard October anniversary of losing someone too, and every year on that date, I stop and think a little bit about what could have been. I’m glad that you will take the chance to pause and honour your grandmother every time you do those day-to-day things that she did to make you who you are – very special. I hope that your family manages to come together, at least for a while, in your shared loss. xoV

    (and you’re a fried chicken specialist?! You’ve been holding out on us. Next time I’m in NYC I’m going to follow my nose all the way to Brooklyn, riding on the delicious smell of your grandmother’s recipe….)

  8. I read this and I just got so emotional. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m terribly sorry for you and your family. Reading this made me think of my own family, about my mom who’s currently in the hospital and at this point, we really don’t know when or if she’ll be coming home.

    I want you to know that I’ll pray for you. I’ll pray as hard as I can that you and your family are able to endure and that you find strength. God bless you, love. And may God keep you!

  9. Oh, Nettie, I’m so sad to read this. But what a beautiful collection of memories. I can’t help but think of all the ways that you’ll pass on these things to your children to help keep her memory alive. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers.

  10. Your grandmother reminds me so much of my GM Liilie Bell. I think I am turning into Lille Bell more and more everyday. I hear her words coming out of my mouth. I cook her foods, I say her sayings, I loved her dearly and will cherish her memories for the rest of my life. You are not alone. Take comfort in your memories.

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