The radio silence online over the last week has been filled with NOISE is my offline life. After contemplating whether I should wait until I was less pissed with myself to do it, I clicked publish on my last whiny post and went to bed. I was woken up by my phone’s vibrations 4 hours later.
It was my sister calling to tell me that my grandma was not breathing and her heart was not beating.
EMT’s were working to get her heart restarted before they rushed her off to the ER. Within hours my family had gathered there. And the news was not good. The whining about my grades and school and a sucky birthday were suddenly so absolutely ridiculous I shared it with my fam to try to lighten the mood.
But we could not lighten the mood. My grandmother is all that is holding the maternal side of my family together. Since my grandfather passed in June, we have been walking a tightrope of tension.
My grandmother has not spoken a word or moved on her own since Tuesday, October 23rd at about 6am.
As doctors give and retract diagnosis and give hope and then take it away, there has been ripples of discord. As she lays in the hospital, and Sandy rages through my city, my Brooklyn, the storm in my family rages on, too.
My grandma might never wake up.
I’ve reached the point where I can write about it now. I had been paralyzed and in tears for most of my waking hours. I have found a few outlets to extend myself. Focusing on my children and husband, storm prep and a fair I’m co-chairing at my big daughter’s school has kept me sane.
But my nerves are fraying with this forced long weekend. As the days pass and my grandma still does not wake and my family drama continues to bluster and blow, I feel increasingly on edge.
I’m going to try to regroup and refocus.
And wait out the storms.