That’s how I’m feeling today. We, my family and I, are on the verge of moving house. Back to my old neighborhood (potentially, there are details to work out) to someplace that has more space (this part is certain). My life has taken many turns this year, one quite upsetting and serious, and I find that I am still reeling.
I started a new blog with the best of intentions. All business minded and gung ho like I sometimes get. I wanted someplace separate from this blog, a space without so much personal dialogue and, well, introspection. But, I am questioning that decision now. In viewing some of my old blog posts, particularly the ones about my children, I was sad to think of all the missed opportunities to document my life this year. The difficulties and the little joys made big for want of something to celebrate.
I’ve been through doctors visits trying to pinpoint the source of bad feelings and migraines and stomach pains and so on. I have had surgery and suffered a huge rift between myself and my extended family. A rift that I hope time will heal, though I am not optimistic. I have been so sad lately. And angry. Today, I was suddenly struck with an awful thought: This is how my children will remember me. With headaches and mood swings and sadness. I don’t want my children to view me this way. I don’t want this mom to be too memorable in their flashbacks on childhood. I know too well how bad childhood memories fester and become worse not better with the passage of time.
I want them to remember a mom that did things and made things (this they will already remember) and looked happy more than she looked sad. And I don’t want to have to fake it. You know? I want to REALLY feel that way. More often than not. Not like I have for the last Five months. On the eve of October, my birth month, I hope that I make good on my hope for change.
I am thinking merging the posts from this blog to the other and shutting it down before too many more meaningful links are made there. A lack of introspection and personal and happy and painful memories are overrated. I want to have them all, and more, in the one place.