That’s how I’m feeling today. We, my family and I, are on the verge of moving house. Back to my old neighborhood (potentially, there are details to work out) to someplace that has more space (this part is certain). My life has taken many turns this year, one quite upsetting and serious, and I find that I am still reeling.

I started a new blog with the best of intentions. All business minded and gung ho like I sometimes get. I wanted someplace separate from this blog, a space without so much personal dialogue and, well, introspection. But, I am questioning that decision now. In viewing some of my old blog posts, particularly the ones about my children, I was sad to think of all the missed opportunities to document my life this year. The difficulties and the little joys made big for want of something to celebrate.

I’ve been through doctors visits trying to pinpoint the source of bad feelings and migraines and stomach pains and so on. I have had surgery and suffered a huge rift between myself and my extended family. A rift that I hope time will heal, though I am not optimistic. I have been so sad lately. And angry. Today, I was suddenly struck with an awful thought: This is how my children will remember me. With headaches and mood swings and sadness. I don’t want my children to view me this way. I don’t want this mom to be too memorable in their flashbacks on childhood. I know too well how bad childhood memories fester and become worse not better with the passage of time.

I want them to remember a mom that did things and made things (this they will already remember) and looked happy more than she looked sad. And I don’t want to have to fake it. You know? I want to REALLY feel that way. More often than not. Not like I have for the last Five months. On the eve of October, my birth month, I hope that I make good on my hope for change.

I am thinking merging the posts from this blog to the other and shutting it down before too many more meaningful links are made there. A lack of introspection and personal and happy and painful memories are overrated. I want to have them all, and more, in the one place.


6 thoughts on “Introspective

  1. I’m just a long-time lurker but I wanted to post this morning. Good luck to you and your family.

    I have struggled with depression and other health issues (stomach – IBS, chronic fatigue,) since I was a teenager. There are times when I thought, “Is this it?” I often wondered how I would just function in a normal world, let alone get through another day.

    Your depression, you illness … it doesn’t define you. I am sure that your children worry about you, and that they are afraid for you, but they will always love you. They will see that amazing creative woman that you show us on your blog, as well as a strong role model. Yes, they will see your weakness, but they will be stronger for it. Its better for them to see the whole of you than none at all.

    You’ll make it, I know. I did, and while there are still days when I think there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I know that there really is.

  2. I wish you all the best, and hope you will find a way to feel better. We all want the best for our children, but we are all humans, too, and sometimes we can’t live our lives the way we want to. I think we’ll have to learn to forgive ourselves for that.

    Good luck!

  3. I am just catching up on my blog reading, so missed this the first time….but I am wishing you all the best, and keeping you in my thoughts. Knowing what you want and how you want to feel is a step in the right direction. I am positive that you will get there, though the path may not be an easy one. And your children will love you no matter what!!

  4. Pingback: Things 2010 « Sown Brooklyn

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s