WD Prompt I :: Those Old, Twin Bitches

Those Old Twin Bitches

For my first Thanksgiving as host, I bought the biggest turkey they had in the store. Because I don’t do shit half-ass. We had never bothered with the holiday before, but if you do Thanksgiving, YOU DO THANKSGIVING. Ya know what I mean??? Anyway, I get this sucker into the cart and start pushing this big bitch around the store. And I get tired. I decide to leave it to one side so I could run down the aisle instead of maneuvering through it with the Turkey-Mobile. I get about halfway down, to the spices, when I catch some movement near the model T.

Two old ladies where attempting to hoist the turkey out!

What the ever loving fuck!

I abandon the spices and reach the old ladies just as they’re getting the beast over the side. I slam my hands down on top of it, sending it crashing to the bottom. It nearly takes the two would-be thieves inside with it. I open my mouth to lay into these broads when the one closest to me rights herself and roundhouses me with her, apparently brick filled, purse. I see stars. But this doesn’t stop me from blocking a hit from the other one.

It’s then that I realize that they’re twins.

And I know them.

The one I currently have by the scruff of her neck (and bottom of her wig) is Ms. Betty Carmichael. I let go and say “Oh, shit! Sorry about th-” Before I complete the word, she’s shoved me full on in my chest. I go flying into the fresh corn display, and all of the people surrounding it who have stopped to observe the developing brawl. When I get to my feet, I don’t waste time with questions like,

“Why the fuck did you push ME when you were stealing my turkey!?!?!”

Instead, I go into a running crouch and shove her right into the side of the cart.

I realized then, I should have thought things out a bit. I have now blocked the T-Mobile in. I’m trying to disentangle Ms. B.C., and get around Ms. Alice Carmichael, when I’m grabbed from behind. I immediately open my mouth to explain that they were taking my big ass turkey when Ms. A.C., the one still right side up, starts to cry.

Big. Ass. Tears.

“Oh! Look at what you’ve done to my sister!” she weeps, like the fragile old lady she is NOT.

Suffused with fresh rage, I lunge for her, only to be brought up short by the guard holding me by my coat. I am then unceremoniously dragged out and dumped on the pavement. Big ass turkey and all the fixings…inside with the thieving spinsters.

I called home to deliver the bad news. My family is always game for a laugh so I hoped that they could find the humor in my being kicked out of the only store in town with anything left in it. The phone is answered on the first ring. Before a greeting is uttered I say,

“I’ve lost everything in a fight to two old, twin bitches!”

The reply is instantaneous “The Carmichaels?!?”

“In-fucking-deed!”

“Eh, fuck this Thanksgiving shit…go to that joint we like and then bring your ass home.”

And that’s why we all ate hamburgers.

Prompt from Writer’s Digest.

17 thoughts on “WD Prompt I :: Those Old, Twin Bitches

    • Lol!! It never occurred to me that anyone would think this was real. I guess I DO look like someone that would assault old ladies for fucking with my food! I don’t play at dinner time ;(

  1. LMAO! I’m reading along, absolutely enjoying the story, & I said, “this can’t be for real. How did somebody in this group not get arrested?!?!?” You had me for a minute. You are truly gifted. I’m still smiling. Thanks :-)

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