Birthday Boy

My first born son is seven years old today!! And I am feeling nostalgic about his birth. It was a tough pregnancy (especially after sailing through the first), a difficult birth (he has VERY wide shoulders, there were contraction enhancing drugs and NO painkillers) and an unexpected separation.

This boy is SEVEN!!

I wrote this on his fourth birthday and I’d like to share it with you all.

Today is my first born son’s birthday.

It has been four years since I had to do one of the hardest things ever in my life.

Leave him in the NICU and go home. Without my baby. Without my baby I had carried everywhere with me for the last 8 1/2 months. My baby I carried inside my body.

I had to leave him.
I couldn’t conceive of such a thing. I did it and I still don’t know how I didn’t die on the spot, I was so heartbroken. Having my first born was magical. I loved her so much that I didn’t see how there was any left for another child. I even wondered at this aloud and was always told that you just do. You love them from the moment you find out they’re on their way. And when they’re born your ability to love expands to include them.

I didn’t see how this could be true until I learned I was pregnant again, until I felt his first kick, until I looked at his beautiful face. And then even more powerfully when I looked at him in the incubator, covered in tape and tubes.

I had never felt so broken as the day, he was just 2 days old, when I had to go say goodbye to him and go home. I don’t know how I did it. I think the thought of seeing his sister and telling her about her brother and enjoying her first days of pre-school were all that got me through.

I love this boy. This tiny man who seems so far beyond his years he could be turning 40 today instead of 4. This boy who tells his mom and sisters how beautiful and smart and great they are.

I love you, the one who proved the power of love to me.

These things, these great things, about my son are still true today. He is still an old man in a child’s body. He still tells me that he loves me everyday. He still tells me that I look beautiful and that I’m smart and great. He still tells his sisters, too. He is eager to learn and find the beauty and joy in everything. He is smart. SO smart. He is caring and feels so deeply that I sometimes worry that he’s gotten the lions share of my stress everything tendencies.
He’s broad shouldered and gangly limbed. And HEAVY! My days of lifting him up are numbered. He still hugs me all the time and cheers (really, literally cheers) when his dad arrives home. He’s always pretty happy to see me or his siblings when we’ve been separated, too. He has THE BEST reactions to new toys that I’ve ever witnessed.
I love the he likes dogs and babies and butterflies as much as he likes trucks and trains and fried chicken! I love the he likes being home with his family best and that even at such a young age he seems to really get what’s important. I feel so incredibly fortunate to be his mom and I look forward to watching him grow and become even more amazing!
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23 thoughts on “Birthday Boy

  1. It’s very evident that you are an amazing mother. :) Of course you feel lucky to have your kids but they are also very lucky to have a mother like you.

  2. omigoodness – thank you so much for sharing this :) Your son sounds absolutely wonderful and amazing and precious. I don’t have kids of my own, but I had been an only child for several years (11 of them, to be exact) when my little brother came along. Then, three years later, I wondered the same thing about how you could possible connect and love and care for someone else as much as this; when my mom became pregnant with my little sister. I was *so* worried that we (me and my sister) would never bond the way I had with my brother … and it’s so amazingly true, that they just open your heart and show you just how much you are capable of love.

    • Thanks for your comment, Tara!! It’s amazing to be part of truly loving relationships with my family!! I’m very close with my sister, too. I value her friendship so much!

  3. omigoodness – thank you so much for sharing this Your son sounds absolutely wonderful and amazing and precious. I don\’t have kids of my own, but I had been an only child for several years (11 of them, to be exact) when my little brother came along. Then, three years later, I wondered the same thing about how you could possible connect and love and care for someone else as much as this; when my mom became pregnant with my little sister. I was *so* worried that we (me and my sister) would never bond the way I had with my brother … and it\’s so amazingly true, that they just open your heart and show you just how much you are capable of love.

  4. Happy birthday to him! My mom is a nurse and works in NICU, and I myself was born 3 months premature (and all the doctors said I wouldn’t make it), so I can definitely empathize. It makes birthdays all the more precious.

    • Thanks, Janice!! I have so much respect for the nurses and doctors in charge of those tiny, fragile lives!! He was there for 2 weeks and he was only about a month or so early. My twins were in there for a month and they were about 2 months early.

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