correction or regulation of oneself for the sake of improvement
I lack self discipline. I’ve always know this about myself. I’m trying to do something about it. Really. What I’ve been trying to figure out lately is, how can I possibly fit it all in? This post over at Spindelicious Handspun touched on a subject I often find myself contemplating. Where does wife and mother end and Wanett begin? Can there ever really be a separation? Should a separation exist? At what point in the lives of my children is it okay to be selfish again? Are childless people selfish? Are they really out there doing what they want? Probably not. Is it selfish to want a separate identity? Is it asking for too much?
I feel certain that disciplined people are getting more done than I am. Even with my children and husband and me and the many responsibilities that come with us, I have time to get things done. If only I could get my shit together. It took me 8 months to get that doll pattern released. Eight months. A lack of discipline, a lack of applying myself with a specific focus.
I’ve gotten to know my tendenacies very well. Despite knowing that a shift in focus (read: distraction) is coming up, I am powerless to stop it. Writing moods happen when I’m feeling moody, like now. Except, right now, I should be knitting. Last week when the knit design mojo was strong, I was sketching ideas and feeling positively delighted with myself.
Cut to this week, I’ve been knitting the last 2 inches of sleeve #2 (on Petal) for three days. That last doll still has no face. WTF? But that mood to write, to write some more of that moody, sad story I started, is so strong that I can’t seem to finish that sleeve. Never mind my design swatches. My thoughts are all over the place. I can barely write this blog post coherently.
There are so many things I want to do and so many things that I have to do. So many ideas and so little time to get them done. What to do? I have no clue. But I’m tired of feeling elated and sad by turns about something that’s on the horizon and something that I let pass me by. But, how exactly does one cultivate a disciplined lifestyle at this late stage?